my sausage fingers.



i . will. bee. okay.

liar.

this?

pain subsides and scars remain forever.
that's the problem.
i thought the pain subsided.
i was wrong.
denial's my bestfriend, and i didnt know.
till i saw..
it still hurts as much.
nothing's changed since that day.

will stop blogging for now.
maybe when im a lil better.

10 things i should start doing to forget everything :

. Not drink double choc frappe ever.
. Not drink milk . (omg :( )
. Not go down by the pool to stone.
. Stop hugging sheepy in class.
. Hide my phone somewhere else so i'd stop checking
. not ._. ever.
. Stop crying please.
. Smile when im in class.
. Run away from reality.


I take back the above mentioned points.
with immediate effect .

i felt like saying, you. on ur status.







screwed up.
screwed up life.
and everything
even the bladdy calculator dies on me in the exam.


for no one should know what's hidden beneath.


the double choc frappe suddenly tastes so horrible.
just suddenly.
well, it wasnt like that.
what's said cannot be taken back.

and then,

i was dumbfounded for a moment.
realised it wasnt gna be the same .
ever.
just felt like everything's crashed again.
y'know? like, a sandcastle.
we'd build a nice one together , once.
i have no idea was it either u walked away,
or the waves-of-reality came and swept everything.
and i built it alone once again.
and the waves came again.
this time, there's no one like u to comfort me anymore.
cos im alone.

okay comparing me with a small girl building sandcastles is stupid.
but i feel like it.
please concentrate , me.
please dont screw up tmr
and the day after and after and after after and afterafterafter.
i've been stupid.
guess what?
i still am.
i dont want to face my fears.
hiding from reality is not what i do.
i want the old times back.
too bad huh.
so what if i had a bad feeling.
stupid me.
so what.
i shouldnt have.


fml.




i think this time,
i've given up on all hopes.

Cruelty is softened by fear, not pity

-Mason Cooley.


Then again, i dont need your pity.
i meant it.

'stalker ._.'


hmm,
at least those posts were for you.
its true.
i swear.



okay, i had good time catching up with aunty annie today.
with my sisters.
we went to tony roma's at suntec city.
monster feast for sis'.
she rubbish dump wad.
okay maybe im the rubbish dump.
cos as usual ,
they had ribs and everything.
i didnt.
and when the had the baked potato i was friggin happy.
cos i liked potato jacket/skin.
and they didnt.
and i hate the insides of the baked potato.
nice life i've got.
-.-
ah, whatever.
got exams for the entire week.

i pray i do not die,
i pray hard you'll do well.
i pray i'll do just fine.
plsplsplsplsplpsls.
kkkk .
accounting.
sis.hates.me.
ikr,

bye.

friendship< you< relationship.




hmm.

where's the more than or equal to sign.

dont have eh.

29/07/09




shitzzz i overslept today.
k fyi, not my fault.
le weather too niceee.
umm yep, k study2.



i feel brain dead.
no motivation.
gna stay at home for the whole day.
today.is.le.last.day.
ahhhh~
yep.
going to tonyroma's with sis and aunt tmr.
(:
teehee.
then ima die on monday.
yep,
k bye.

joe hisaishi - the girl who fell from the sky [music box]

play it play it!
this is so old school.
okay , its not even my sch.
this movie laputa, was created in like 1980s.
and i used to listened to it in pri sch.
idk how or why.
it used to make me cry.
omg... i want this music box!
haha.
and its by joe hisaishi.
y'know y'know???
the botak who also create the ponyo song.
the irritating girl with a round tummy thing.
._.
rmb brandon and the others used to call me that.
sad life i had.

k enjoy it,
bye.

The girl who fell from the sky.






(:

finally found that song.



jeez, everytime i get an sms,
the first thing that comes to my mind is
u texting me , hey!:D
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

30/04/09

haha mirror image.
scary right???
nah, this is rosalind.
awesome times we had slacking at her house after sch.
and lepak2.
haha.



anw, life's a mess now still.
bitch life.
i hate chu .
):
on a lighter note, gt to meet da.
he came back for..
some chalet he doesnt intent to go.
so, yeah. wierd .
still stuck at 2 more modules to complete.
im only left with supposedly tmr to complete.
k, not anymore...
gna do some tonight.
haish.


damn damn damn damn.


k bye.

sec 1 sports day i think.
i dont rmb.
okay yes it was sec 1.
francesca was still there.
haha.
everyone looks small.
ok except me.
i grew taller hor.
):









hahahaa.



i rmb miss ang was wondering why i did that wink thing.



cos the sun was damn bright.



:(

okay okay.

studies back on track, at least a lil.
rather productive for the past few days i think.
okay, im losing it today.
lol.
at least i didnt walk around the house that much.
cant help it ah, my holiday job of in-house-inspection .
no pay, just food and milk.
and slack.
thats wad my mom calls it.
haha.
hmm, so yep
currently left with 2 subs to deal with
and revise everything over and over.
but it seems like my memory space is ttm alr.
i think 2GB oni.
now left like 133mb.


omg, i forgot to wash my sheep.
he's been so neglected for this whole holiday.
cos i nvr study.
k poor thing, he's going in the washing machine alr.
anw, dad's gone to brunei again.
again.
damn it i hate it when he's always going away.
:(
and i havent ask him about ship ops yetttt.
sis and her bad mouth.
the day b4 yst she was like,
''faster go ask dad, ltr he go off again''
and im like nahh, no mood.
damn it.






kkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
bye.


count on me.

(:

yay.

life's not easy..




limit yourself woman, limit.

benny <3
sorry i totally forgot about u.



dusty is the new handsome dont worry.



omg, forever alone.

its been 4 days.







i may have known you only for probably a month or so now.
but that's all it matters.

even as i look at the sheep.
the memories are so clear and fresh.









i know its wrong of me,
but i dont wna end it.

The worst part is that i didnt even know.
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay.

I'll do whatever it takes,
to turn this around.
I know what's at stake ,
I know that i've let you down.









alright, maybe not.
I cant get over it, still.
i need to move on.

omg chuaxiyu you are such an ass.
get over it nigga

you've mended the smile i once lost.








now its broken again..
today marks the end of anything that's going on.


i've gta be strong,
bless me.

i hate this feeling................................

i think i cant live without u.







i'd rather get hurt.

28/09/09





okay, so its time i've to admit to it.
im screwed.
i've screwed up my entire hols.
and its my own fault.
why the hell am i in this mess.
this is so freaking stupid of me.

i cant even manage my time properly.
between these 6 things.
i mean 6, not 5.
why the hell did i do that seriously?
i dont even know what im in for.
i just.. cant help it.
i've screwed up okay, i did.
CHUA XI YU GTA WAKE UP.


its time .


or am i just being used, huh?
''its not me you're supposed to be concerned of. ''

SPAM SPAM SPAM.

no past just for today

alright.

that was the fun of yesterdays.

today was omgggggggggggggggggggg.

okay i woke up to study for awhile.

then i went to work.

starts at 3.

work work work

till 11

im not a night person rmb.

anw, i closed the la marzocco machine myself ! (::::

i rmbed wad JH taught.

hahas.

hmm, okay so i scrubbing the sink and SHITZZZZZ

i forgot the time.

it was like 1115

and my last bus is 1130.

i ran out of the outlet all the way omg.

kkk

im tired.

meeting panda tmr.

(:

for a while..

haish

okay, bye.

CHUA XI YU PLEASE DO NOT THINK.
PLEASE DO NOT START THINKING.
PLEASY PLEASY PLEASE.
PLEASEEEEEEE.



:'(



PLEASE?

15/05/10

haha.

art peeps went to some exhibition at idk where.

we werent even learning or paying attention.

just having fun by ourselves.

and i was tired and bored.

then khoirul took this pic , i didnt even know.

looks like sean's giving some stupid audition and we dont give a damn.

hahhahaa

k today , i had a great time.

like finally.

FINALLY.

finally i feel like its the holidays.

just for a day.

feeling better today from the bug.

i even ate my paopao ji!

hahha. k its popcorn chicken for those dummies out there.

k so sean khoirul han pokes and jess came to my house.

we watched POTC (black pearl) and karate kid.

and took pics.

finally got to meet everyone!!! :D

anw i woke up late -.-

i couldnt sleep last night cos tummy was still feeling wierd and stuff.

like turning and spinning.

then i finally slept.

i didnt even hear my alarm! omg.

we were supposed to meet at 11.

pokes called me at 11.03 said she reaching alr.

then i like huhhh?! i just woke up.

kkkkkkkk then i bathed.

i bathed in 20 min!

so fastt :) *pats self*

heh.

went to meet them and rented dvds

and watched.

hahaa.

kkkkkkkkkkk

just had fun (:

anw, gots work tmr ):

another day wasted i guess..

idk .

i feel like theres so much to study.

i just sit here reading FACC for awhile and 2 hours gone alr.

anw, dad and i are in paradise!

cos han brought cake just now!

heeeh.

love you hanxinying!

eww.

:(

k bye.

all i ate was ketupat.
wad have i done to deserve this.

okay okay, im exagerating things.







tonight, i got owned by han.
for once.
for awhile.
awhile only ah.
amazing.
im worse than sotong.
O:

me: can u bring ur dslr over tmr pls? i will send u home (:
me: i was lying about the last sentence.
han: i was lying abou the cake.
)(*#@)(*#)(*#@)(*#


me : u charge then wake up then i happy. muackss
han: thats scary.
me: U're that. Thats scary. get it get it? nvrm, the day after tmr will be wednesday!

HAHAHAA
k that made my day.
i think.
i feel sore.
and bad.

the feeling of being hurt, when u dont know why.

okay, at least im running away from it.

My birthday 2009.

umm, 15th birthday.

omg?

like so young.

k i still am, keke.

-.-

so yeah, we went to pasta mania to eat.

and daren and chleo bought me chiscackeee.

k try reading that.

haha

i think that was the last day that we've ever had fun tgt as a whole...

okay so yah, im sitting at home now.

cos i've caught the bug again.

nvrm what bug.

just feels terrible.

i didnt even sleep last night.

okay so , went to GJ for meeting.

supposedly afternoon, but went to study with JH and rosa first.

yah, rosa.

haha. i saw the whole process of her turning on the comp and dozing off.

and at night, she told me. noolaa, im not the kind that will doze off easily.

TT.

ya i believe her.

hahaha.

hmm, had meeting.

i had my buttonsss!

finally.

my childhood choc.

JH paid , thankssss (:

haha :p

then after meeting we had supper at newton.

like soooo far.

and it was nearly midnight.

im not the night person.

my eyes were -____________-

and syahidah kept staring at me.

so scaweee.

hahaha.

and JH and rum showed me pics.

they took picture of me while i knocked out .

day and night.

on the sofa.

this is freaking embarrassing i swear.

omg.

had fun in the meeting tho,

heh.

okkkkkkk

then it was raining.

jill sent ricardo, syahidah rosa and then me home.

i was the last.

and supposedly i work at like 8am.

and it was alr 1 plus.

omg..

okay so in the car i was in the middle at the back.

ahh life sucks.

k , when there was a bent ahead they'd squeeze to either side.

and i'd be squashed.

my arm reallyhurts now. seriously.

so i didnt go to work today.

and i really feel bad about it.

im sorry.

:(

k im gna study.

for good.

*pats self*

zzzz

haha no.

k

bye

31/07/09

we went to XH's house to make truffles.

haha, i rmbed han bought filletofish.

and the dog went to sniff her skirt, she kept running around.
LOLOLOLOLOL

k. hahahhahaaa

its real funneh.

end up we had fun and started to take pics.

haha.

i think sec 3 was the major picture taking period.

idk why.

then sec 4 we like -_________- alr.

kkkkkk

met da yst, like finally.

haha.

k then we went back to bvss to collect testimonials.

hahas, kinda nice.

but my cert so ugly.

as in the grades.

cos i looked at sis's o lvl cert.

hers like so niceeeee.

all AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

then i pictured mine like that .

stupid.

k, so we went back to bvmb.

idk wad to say.

hai..

anw, went to watch kungfupanda2.

awesomeee

haha, there was a part i kept laughing like hell.

been long since i did that.

haha.

the caterpillar part.

hmm k so went dinner etcetc and homed.

umm...

this week's been kinda wasted.

and im left with 2 weeks.

to study 6 subjects, i only touched 1.

okay , half.

im dead.

deeeaadd.

i need to study.

like no time also.

shouldnt have worked , damn it.

but still, a promise is a promise.

hafta keep your word.

oh man..

kkk, so aparently im left with the last week to chiong.

6 subs.

:(

help me.

:'(

k and my parents wna go out later.

like soon.

now.

im dead.

k bye.

u better miss me when i die.

10/05/09

the day all 4 of us wore our first colour contacts.

ahh i miss the uniform.

haha rmb we went to imm rooftop to slack.

and admire our coloured eyes -.-

today was long long long day.

so long , my eyes are .____________. now.

k hippo.

hahaha

umm, went to work in the morning with JH

opening againn.

haha, finally, after months.

had funn

k , i went back to being immature this morning.

unknowingly.

dumb dumb dumb.

pfftt.

working with JH on the 18th again for 10 hours.

omggggggggggggggg.

and i have band camp on that day..

after work i went somewhere.

okay, i really had a great time.

wished time would stop.

nahhhhh.

just my imagination.

stupid me.

k

im tired

bbbbbbbbbb

Aint it awkward when u suddenly think of smth and start tearing in the bus.
and some person stares at yer.
so you're like , *cough.* *sniff*
*give the i just yawned look*
ahh damn it.





national day parade rehearsals 2009?

that was the best time i ever had with you.
and yet it was the last..
han gave us those tickets,
i chose to go with u instead.


eh my shoe look so clean.
k i miss my clean shoes.
now its like black black
and the sides are torn.
i like it that way nvrm.



kkkkk had work today.
im gettin the hang of it.
haha, ya right.
ahhh damnn.
i still like michael buble's voice best.
makes me feel happy.
all the bitch times.
whatever.
mom bought me nanonano that day.
awesome. (:

work again tmr,
but im going out after that.
so yep :}




i hope nth goes wrong.
as in, nth wrong is going to happen to wrong.
to wrongly happen.
urgh nvrm, ya u get it.

i feel like crying.

i suddenly feel used.




i think i've made the wrong move.

22/03/09

this was during the march hols.

hannan stole my trumpet, again.

and he intruded our sectionals.

missed having fun with everyone..

okay last night was really terrible.

so regretted wad i did.

i shouldnt have even had the thought of being angry with my parents for not allowing me to do stuff, or go somewhere.

stupid me.

plus, dad just came back from india a couple of days ago.

and i really missed him.

okay , so mom allowed me to go b4 dad came back from india.

and when i told dad yst, he disallowed me to.

i think i looked disappointed.

kept thinking about it

and before i slept mom apologised to me.

i hate it .

its not even her fault.

why cant she be angry at me.

stupid me.

had work today.

felt so lost, again.

plus , was working with rum.

scary person. :O

hahaha

and yeah, i got hit in the tummy alot of times.

oh ya, and i went to collect salad from swensens for the first time.

omg, guess wad.

i walked into the wrong shop.

TT

i walked in fig&olive and they stared at me ):

kk nvrm.

haa

rosa came too (:

i made macflurry finally.

awesommme.

shared it with everyone else.

and anna was like, umm ? is this real icecream???

haha

k then i went home.

now i should study cos im off timing.

k bye

09/03/09

this was one of the first times i smiled to the cam.
hmm..
miss having sectionals.
''sectionals''
rmb we'd go to the fitness corner.
or i'd hide in the horn cupboard and emo.
im dumb.

anw, smth's been troubling me recently.
i have no idea what's going on.
or why it's happening.
i nvr thought it would.
its so surreal and untrue and everything
but that's the fact.
i dont know how to face up to it, or what im going to do in the future.
there's no turning back, and if i just forget about everything that's happened,
it wont be fair to you.
plus, i dont think i can forget.
what exactly am i doing??
it's only been 3 weeks.
and everything's changed so much
i darent tell anyone.
cos im afraid.






anw, dad bought an iphone.
like when no one wants to buy it anymore cos the new one's coming out.
and he was like... my phone spoil.
thats cos he didnt know how to unlock it.
haha, its damn cute.
but im not saying anything
cos i need him to teach me ship operations stuff.
hmm, okay holidays alr.
i think today is the only day that i can sleep late, and slack
and study abit.
other days are really packed, and idk what to do alr.
im like back to working at GJ for the next 2 weeks.
with band after that.
and band camp
and smth else.
and exams are after hols?
wth.
no fair.
i prefer sec sch.
okok.
stop living in the past.
im dumb.
okay so anw, so many other things going on in my mind.


k bye.


we both know that its wrong.

eh c'mon i look awesome k.






this was.. sec 2? with oli and yuai.


on the day when we got the fate of the gods piece.


and we were all , omgomgomg! so difficult -.-


miss those times with yuai and jaron and oli.


i would sit in the middle of jaron and yuai.


and i'd get it.


in the middle of their squabbles.





ah well.


nice day today.


literal and non-literal.


went to sentosa with this year's classmates.


not many turned up.


but still, it was fun.


AND I IS TANNED.


YEAHH.


not really


crap


im a lil red.


:(


okay so we met up in the morning.


and it rained and i got so :(


and we went to mac to slack and it was so cold.


then the sun came!


and we had fun


and i went to bathe


and went to vivo.


to GJ to work.


till midnight with JH and new person called Jill.


omg i swear i nearly died.


learnt alot more today, but


i nearly died...


i KO-ed on the sofa and i didnt realised.


somehow.


hmm.


ok its gna be 3am soon.


so ima sleep real soon.


holidayss are officially onn.


but like.. i dont have free time.


):





ok bye

2008.
okay this was taken on the last day of school in sec 2.
i look like some chubby tard.
and huijuan looks like a... tard.
hahaha.
k so i rmbed that this korean store opened in wm.
and it sold icecream.
we were with venus and xiaohui.
huijuan saw ice cream and she was like,
omgomg! korean icecream! wonder how it tastes like.
then we bought it.
and like ummm.. eee why the ice cream like spore icecream wan.
TT




had knots test today at poly marina.
omg i feel like crying.
seriously.
one of my most stupidest moments in my life i swear.
kkkkkkk so we were playing itouch and everything
and it was my turn.
i freaked out.
then the old teacher asked me to do overhand knot.
then i like, HUHHHHHHHHHHHH wad is overhand.
and i got 0 for that.
zeeero.
):
its actually the simplest knot on earth.
the when u tie ur shoelace knot before u do the loop-the-loop.
focused too much on the harder ones i didnt even look at the first one.
k im a failure :(
k im gna cry
and die
and emo.
now im pissed.

having class outing at sentosa this saturday.
and im working at GJ from 330 onwards.
so i go to sentosa and burn myself for4 hours or so
then go to work till midnight.
awesome plans i have.
i hope i survive.
have band ltr so ima try to sleeep.
slept at like 2am yst shitzz
k bye

18/06/09

the day we went to watch drag me to hell.
the dumbest, fakest, scariest movie ever.
not cos its horror and stuff.
the sound effects just go over and over again to boo you.
da jumped so many times until he got leg cramp.
then i was laughing like hell
and suddenly BOO
then i screamed damn loud.
haha
and that was the one and only time he ever finished his popcorn.



ok nvrm.
today school was , darn tiring.
kinda emo too.
think the cranky thing in the morning affected my whole day.
went to sch at 9
then marine eng lecturer was not there.
)(*&@(&#(*@#
kkkk
then had lessons, tired ttm.
and still had band.
omg what happen to the big mac ?
its so.. small...

hmm. ok im really slpy now.
but i shall not sleep.
shall. stay. on. longer.







ahh. cant . take. it.