Oh well, i cant sleep.
so i'd rather talk to myself now,
at 2.37 am. can hor?
can.
nuuu . k im talking to myself.


whatever this post is about,
it's not about that fat bottom boyfriend of mine ok?
if not he'll be misunderstood.



just put it that whatever posts i ever make on this blog,
are for some unknowns alright?
be it him , or my bestfriend or somewhat person.
i feel bad if i write about something,
and people are asking if so-and so did this,
or if it were my bf or whatnot.
i feel bad.
but no choice i guess?
how do i even name that person, from the start?



gonna have a rant?
nah, not say a rant.
just feel like getting things off my chest.
after being troubled for so long.
just feels so wierd.
i kinda feel numb or smth?



Its like, this is me.
and the suitcase in hand is empty,
barren and void like a desert;
but what do I have to take with me when you've plundered and stolen everything else?
okay i wont use stolen.
i voluntarily gave it to you.
and watched you walk away
nope, i dont regret it
and yes, that suitcase im holding.
im emotionally unbalanced.



Sometimes the lonely dirt road is strangely unfamiliar, I stride towards it.
You caught my hand, once.
As i wretched my body to face towards you ,
your gasps surge down my face and eyes distort, wild with fear.
I never fail to question myself stupidly where we were heading to.
it's been long now.
less than a year if you can count.



Lets just start off to say i never really cared so much about someone ever,
except for that boyfriend of mine. haha
Telling myself to put things down may be easy,
but sometimes, or most of the time,
some random thought just strikes me.
real randomly.
on some days i feel like im okay, and i can do it.
i can face the world, feeling happier for you, alone.
and on some days im just a wreck.
just wanting to grab you back,
sit with you. and escape elsewhere, far from this wretched place.
i really hate myself sometimes.
especially during the most vulnerable moments.
i dont know if it's just will.
but at moments like these, not knowingly you'll be the one that steps forward.
step forward? more like you pop out.
that instant remarkable surprise, of having you pop out of my life for that mere hour of texting,
just makes my day. for at least the next 30 hours.
30 is odd. okay, 24 hours .
my whole freaking life just lit up like a lightbulb when i felt touched.
u actually do read.
and it's not like you're just hopping by here.
it's because you want to. but why so?
had to slap myself back to reality aye?
and yeah. i think my light bulb over powered, the fuse kinda blew.



To put things into place,
lets just say i feel like a wounded soldier, a toy one.
i like toys.
carrying a rusted rifle walking weakly.
That permanent sour feeling inside, the stream of pain
never fails to fade.



Just move on please xiyu,
you're not for me.



all of a sudden after i've written down every single bit,
i feel so pathetic.
jeez. i am pathetic.
i shall not be pathetic. and be unpathetic.
yes.
no more being pathetic anymore.
woo!



i. am. a . happy. person. k.
:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD



urgh, who am i kidding?