The vitamin D deficiency feels like it's sinking in.

The tremendous pain i'm going through can't even be explained in words, honestly.
This is the worst yet, but i'm sure i'll be able to pull through.
Thinking of how sensible it was for you to just put everything to an abrupt halt,
without even having considered how i'd feel, and what it takes for me to have to go through all these again.
This is probably the 5th time you're going to leave. the 5th and the last, i'll make sure of it.

Soon enough i began to see everything.
Everything that has been around all along but i was blinded by this stupid thing called love.
Every single time you leave, someone else will be there to be pick me up.
to brush my knees and pick me up when i fall.
you? not you, not now not ever.
you're never, and have never been there to pick me up.
You just get to me whenever you want, throw me away whenever you wish.
I'm so done with this. I've woken. Enough is enough.
I really hate you for doing this to me.
most of all, i hate myself for doing this to myself.
to have to be the moron to have to through this over and over again.
Each time i die a little more inside, each time you leave me it hurts alot more.
I've been stupid, and i'm sorry for being so so stupid.

Why'd you have to promise anything.
about our future, about not letting the past repeat itself. about the present.
I hate you for what you did because of all the false hopes and empty promises you gave.
I'm so disappointed in you, in myself, in everything.
It was my fault all along, and i hate it so much.
You promise you wouldn't let anyone hurt me.
How ironic.
I can't take it. I can't manage it all by myself.

Here i am, all alone, struggling to keep afloat with all the work that's piling, all the shit that's going on here.
It's nearly impossible to numb the pain.
I hate this place, i really miss home.
I don't miss you. I genuinely miss home. My parents, family. The place where i belong.

Please God, please give me the strength to carry on. I know I can do this.